Chapter Text
Tubbo couldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t explain what had happened to anyone- he really didn’t know himself. He couldn’t listen to others explain. He couldn’t sleep. All he could do was cry. He felt as if something was wrong with the world, something was wrong with him. He should be able to do something, to fix something, but he couldn’t. His best friend was dead.
He was the only person who’d been with him for his whole life. The person who had supported him when his parents had hit him; the person who’d fought off bullies for him; the person who’d convinced him to run away to somewhere safer; the person who’d convinced him to try out for a scholarship to his dream school; the person who’d become a whole frickin’ vigilante just because he got mugged one time; the person who stayed up late just to listen to him rant about his school work; the person who had made Section 12 safe.
-was dead.
Tubbo couldn’t believe it. Purpled had put Tommy’s body in one of the bedrooms, and Tubbo kept on looking inside to check to see if he had somehow started breathing again.
Of course, he hadn’t. Each time it hurt, but Tubbo couldn’t stop. Maybe the next time would be the time something changed.
It never did, obviously.
Tubbo had stopped crying long enough to start taking in what was happening. He and Ranboo were sharing a room in Pogtopia, Dream’s secret underground base outside of L’manburg. Purpled and Punz were sharing a room, as were Niki and Karl. Puffy was staying in the living room, denying everyone’s offers to switch with her. She had said she was going to be staying until it was safe enough for them all to be on their own.
Tubbo wasn’t sure what she meant by ‘safe enough’. Maybe she meant actually being able to care for themselves, and being able to live on their own without bursting into tears. Maybe she meant when the search for vigilantes calmed down. He didn’t know and didn’t really care.
Purpled had barely left his room after retreating into it for the first time. It was obvious that he was blaming himself, which Tubbo thought was ridiculous.
It was Tubbo’s fault.
He was the one who’d arranged the plan. He was the one who was making Ranboo too busy for Tommy to get help. He was the one who hadn’t gotten to him fast enough. He was the one who hadn’t kept track of where Tommy was in the fight and had only gotten worried when it was too late.
It was all Tubbo’s fault.
Maybe if Tubbo hadn’t been mugged all those years ago, Tommy wouldn’t have gotten the ridiculous idea into his head to be a vigilante. Maybe if Tubbo hadn’t supported him by making him weapons and hacking into stuff to help with patrol, Tommy would’ve given up a long time ago. Maybe if Tubbo had done more to stop Tommy from getting that job at the Hero Headquarters, something would’ve been different.
Maybe, maybe, maybe. It was the only thing that filled his head, countless possibilities of a better world where none of this had happened. It wasn’t what had happened, so it didn’t matter, but Tubbo couldn’t stop.
“Tubbo?” Ranboo asked. Tubbo blinked, looking up. He had been sitting on the bed, staring at nothing for who knows how long.
“Hey, boss man,” Tubbo said, attempting a weak smile. The crease between Ranboo’s eyebrows showed their worry.
“Were you spiraling again?” Ranboo asked, face clouded in concern. They’d already had a conversation about this, but it hadn’t led to much. Tubbo couldn’t really remember it, to be honest. Everything from the past few days was a blur of preparation, fighting, and tears.
“No,” Tubbo said. Ranboo gave him a look. “Maybe.”
“Tubbo, it wasn’t your fault.”
“It was,” Tubbo said, scrubbing his face roughly as his eyes filled with tears again. Tubbo was sick of crying, but it was impossible to stop.
It felt worse not to.
“There’s so many things I could’ve done better, so many things I should’ve changed. Tommy was the only one who’s always been there for me, ever since I was a little kid! He was the one who saved me, time and time again, and I couldn’t save him the one time it meant the most.”
“Tubbo,” Ranboo said seriously, meeting Tubbo’s eyes. Tubbo didn’t hold the eye contact, knowing Ranboo disliked it. “How many times have you helped Tommy when he was patrolling?”
“Uh… a lot?” Tubbo shrugged. He didn’t see how that was relevant, and it was uncountable anyways. Tommy was an idiot too many times every night he went out on patrol to be able to quantify it.
“And how many of those times could’ve ended in death?” Ranboo asked.
“A lot,” Tubbo said. He had saved Tommy from so many stupid things, many of which could’ve ended in his death, but in the end, Tubbo hadn’t managed to save him from what really mattered.
“Tubbo, listen. Tommy’s-” Ranboo’s voice broke, “It wasn’t your fault. You can be sad about it, you can grieve for him as long as you need, but you need to realize it isn’t your fault. It isn’t anyone here’s fault.”
“So it’s the hero’s fault,” Tubbo said, sniffing and nodding. Blaming the heroes didn’t absolve Tubbo’s involvement in the death; Tubbo was at fault, whether anyone else thought so or not, but it was simpler to blame the heroes out loud.
“I- Well yes, but-”
“So revenge,” Tubbo said grimly. He wasn’t really thinking about revenge. He didn’t have the mental capacity for that yet. But it was easier than thinking about anything else.
“I don’t think that’s a very helpful coping mechanism…”
“Ranboo, I’m the master of bad coping mechanisms. Me and… Tommy coped with our childhood trauma by repressing it for years.”
Even saying his name was difficult. It felt wrong but there was nothing Tubbo could do.
“... Tubbo, that's not a good thing.”
“I know,” Tubbo said plainly, “but that’s how we dealt with it.”
Ranboo sighed. “Tubbo, you can plan revenge if you think it will help you, but don’t… don’t try to enact it now. Wait a few weeks. Give yourself time to properly mourn.”
“I don’t want to mourn,” Tubbo muttered. His revenge wouldn’t be immediate anyways. He had to plan it perfectly, to make the heroes really pay. “I want my best friend back.”
“Me too,” Ranboo whispered. “Me too.”
***
Puffy was worried for her kids. They had all fought a hard battle, a battle that had been going fine, but it had taken such a sudden decline.
She hadn’t even known that Tommy was having problems, but then Ranboo had showed up and Tommy was dead and they had to run. Everything was happening at once, so Puffy set her own feelings aside to try to control everything for the kids.
Dream had run off almost immediately, only handing her a letter before leaving. She hadn’t read it. She was pretty sure she already knew what it said anyways, and she could only handle one crisis at a time.
At the moment, everyone was in their rooms and quiet. In a perfect world, they would be asleep, but she doubted any of them were.
Not that she could blame them. They were too young to lose someone they loved.
Tommy was too young to die.
Puffy knew the heroes weren’t great about vigilantes, but she hadn’t thought that they’d stoop so low as to kill a child. Sure, for all of Tommy’s insisting, they might’ve not known he was a kid, but he definitely acted childish enough to at least make them concerned.
Everyone was blaming themself. They were blaming themselves for not being able to stop something that none of them really could’ve stopped. They were all upset and that was more than understandable; Puffy was only holding herself together because the others needed her to.
None of them were coping well, but Puffy knew that she had to focus on that later. Right now, she had to make sure they could hold up on their own before she could go back home and make sure Foolish hadn’t blown up the house yet.
She felt sick to her stomach the moment the joke entered her head.
Puffy took a deep breath, standing up. There had to be something more productive for her to do than sit around and wait for someone to need her. Something to take her mind off everything.
She ended up in the kitchen, sorting the supplies to distract herself from the reality of the situation.
It didn’t help much.
***
Niki could remember a conversation that she and Tommy had once when they were on patrol. The topic of Tommy getting found out had come up somehow. He said that if he ever got caught, it would have been his own fault. He told her not to blame herself, for none of them to blame themselves.
She never thought about how hard that would be.
Then again, she never really thought something like this would happen. Sure, she expected Tommy to do something stupid sooner or later, but not like this. She thought that the hero’s care for Tommy would protect him from anything like this.
It probably would’ve, if Tommy’s identity had been revealed before. The heroes hadn’t known they were fighting Tommy, they just thought they were fighting TChaos. They didn’t care about TChaos like they cared about Tommy.
But it had gotten this far. Could anything have stopped it?
She knew it was Wilbur who caused the explosion. No one had an explanation for what had happened, but Niki knew that it had to have been Wilbur. He was the only one who cared enough about getting rid of vigilantes for things to have gotten this bad. He was the only one who would ever go this far.
Niki sat up from the bed she’d been laying on, staring at the ground next to it. Tommy didn’t want them to blame themselves, but did that apply when he literally died? Sure, getting arrested was one thing, but dying? Niki had been right there, a couple of blocks away. She should’ve done something, she should’ve stopped the whole thing, she should’ve… something.
Tommy was too young to be dead. He was just a kid, he had his whole life ahead of him. She glared at the ground, clenching her fists.
The heroes had taken that from him. They had to know he was a kid. Dream had constantly brought it up and Wilbur still decided to go through with whatever his plan had been, knowing he could go through the walls unharmed while TChaos was stuck inside.
Maybe she was making some assumptions, but she knew Wilbur well enough. She couldn't think of any other way it could’ve happened.
How could they call themselves heroes after something like that? Vigilantes were trying to help. Most of the heroes didn’t have a real problem with them. Sapnap did, but as far as Niki could tell, that was just because Tommy beat him in a couple of fights. Wilbur did, but Niki had no clue why other than some vague ‘past issues’ that the others had alluded to.. The rest had just gone along with L’hat because they had to.
Why on earth would any of them think it was okay? If the others had protested enough, they could’ve gotten it shut down. Wilbur and Sapnap were in the minority. If the rest of the heroes had quit, they couldn’t have done anything. Unless the higher ups interrupted, of course, but why would they? There was no reason they would go against all the top heroes like that.
Niki shook her head, standing up. The HQ was more corrupt than she had ever realized. How had it taken one of her friends dying for her to see it?
She was almost tempted to quit at that moment, but that would be too suspicious. She had to go to work and pretend everything was normal around people who had murdered her friend.
“Niki?”
Niki looked up. Karl was walking into the room, having gone out to get some things from his apartment.
“Hey Karl,” Niki said. Her voice was distant.
“Hey,” Karl said. “Are you… okay?”
“No, but what can you do?” Niki said, a weak farce to cover what was really in her mind.
“You can talk to people, you can take a walk, you can journal, you can-”
“Stop listing good coping mechanisms,” Niki said, rolling her eyes, but she was smiling. Just a little. She would’ve done the same thing to him.
“Hey, you say you’re not doing good, I’m giving you ideas to fix it,” Karl said, grinning back. Niki could tell it was forced, but didn’t say anything. They both needed it.
“What are we going to do?” Niki asked, the lightheartedness slowly leeching out of the room. “What can we do?”
Karl shrugged. “Pretend that everything’s fine. Mourn. Keep living.”
Niki sighed. “We’re going to have to keep going to work. If we quit suddenly, people are going to get suspicious. The less they have to look into, the better.”
“Then we’ll do our best to act normal,” Karl said. “Everyone knows we knew Tommy. Everyone else is going to be grieving him, even if they didn’t really know him. Everyone in that place loved him.”
“Not enough, evidently,” Niki muttered darkly.
“Not enough,” Karl agreed softly. They were quiet for a long time.
“Two days,” Niki said eventually. “We- I’ll go back in two days. You can go back when you’re ready.”
“I’ll go back when you do,” Karl said. “Don’t worry about me.”
Niki scoffed. “I’m going to worry about you. I worry about everyone.”
“Worry about yourself, for once,” Karl said. Coming from anyone else, it might’ve sounded mean, but Karl only meant well.
“I’ll try.”
***
Purpled wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but he didn't really care. He had seen Punz again after a couple years of silence, Tubbo and Ranboo were vigilantes,0 and he had just switched sides, but none of that really mattered.
What mattered was that Tommy was dead, and it was entirely Purpled's fault.
Purpled was the one who took his extra earpiece. Maybe if he hadn't even shown up to the battle, Tommy would still be alive.
Purpled was the one who let Tommy go off and fight Phantom on his own.
Purpled was the one who'd been trying to track down Tommy for months, and for what!? The money wasn't important anymore, what was important was that Tommy was gone.
Purpled had never had many friends when he was younger. He didn't like being around other kids, so he just would run around Section 14 alone. When he moved in with Punz, he would just stay home and train or do homework. When he agreed to work with the heroes, he knew that he was going to be agreeing to go to school for around a month, just until he caught TChaos, but he hadn't expected to make friends.
Tommy had just walked up and sat down next to him at the Hero HQ, talking to him like Purpled was a normal person, not a mercenary who should be feared. It was… nice to talk to Tommy. Purpled would never say he was lonely, he didn't need other people, but talking to Tommy was so natural.
Then he met Tubbo and Ranboo at school as Peter. It was a pleasant surprise that they were friends with Tommy. It gave him an excuse to hang out with him more, even if he had to make sure to keep his identity a secret. They had a great month or so of being friends.
Then Tommy had a panic attack and no one was calming him down. He had been screaming, begging for his life. The memory still haunted Purpled, far more than any of the people he'd killed. Purpled took off his mask on a whim. Maybe seeing someone who wasn't connected with the heroes would help him.
It didn't. All it accomplished was destroying his trust with Tommy, and then Ranboo and Tubbo stopped talking to him. They knew he was a mercenary, that made sense. No one wanted to stick around once they found out.
Except for Tommy. Even after he had lied to him, hid his identity, and had apparently been attacking him for months, Tommy still made up with him. Tommy still wanted to be his friend.
How Tommy could've even trusted Purpled at all was a mystery. Tommy being TChaos made everything so complicated. Purpled was friends with Tommy, but was fighting TChaos. When he was pretending to be Peter, he was friends with Tommy too.
Purpled still had no idea how Tommy being TChaos had escaped him. It was so obvious now.
Purpled had been over to Tommy's apartment dozens of times. He'd seen weapons around that Tommy and Tubbo had scrambled to hide. He just assumed that was normal, because he didn't really have a good point of reference.
It didn't matter though. Just because Purpled didn't know didn't make it okay. Sure, he was just doing his job like usual. He'd done much worse than trying (and failing) to track down another kid in Section 12.
So why did this time hurt so bad?
Why was this time different?
Purpled was supposed to be indifferent, he was supposed to be a hardened mercenary, he wasn't supposed to be caring about people like this.
Deep down, Purpled knew that that kind of thinking was unhealthy and abnormal.
Purpled couldn't bring himself to care.
He knew he was spiraling, but who cared? It was his fault his best friend that he'd ever had died, so who cared if he was spiraling?
Tommy was dead, so nothing else mattered.
Purpled had promised Tommy not to get involved in Doomsday. He had thought Tommy was just being paranoid, that he wanted Purpled to stay safe, but now he realized there was more to it.
Tommy hadn’t wanted to fight Purpled. He’d tried so hard to change Wilbur’s mind, but Purpled hadn’t put it together.
Purpled was such an idiot. He should’ve put it together. All the clues had been there. If he had been willing to look into it, he would’ve figured it out.
But Purpled hadn’t wanted to look into it. He’d overlooked any evidence and signs pointing towards Tommy being TChaos because he didn’t want to believe that was possible.
This was why Purpled didn’t trust people. He didn’t get to know people around him when he was on jobs. It only led to messes and pain.
Purpled pushed the door open, pausing when he saw Punz was already inside.
"Hey," Purpled said tersely, shutting the door behind him.
"Purpled, I think we have to talk," Punz said.
"Can we not?" Purpled asked. He didn't feel like having feelings; he suppressed them for a reason. Bringing up his past with Punz was only going to make everything worse.
"We can't just ign-"
"I think we can just ignore it," Purpled said.
"I-"
Fine. Punz wanted to talk? Purpled would talk.
"You abandoned me!" Purpled shouted, glaring at the person who had used to be his brother. "You up and left one day with no explanation, and now you expect to just waltz back into my life like nothing happened?"
"Purpled-"
"I was fine without you," Purpled said. "I became a mercenary, I was good at it. I was good at hurting people. Because that's what you taught me to do.”
"I never wanted you to have to fight," Punz said. "I was just trying to make sure you were safe."
"Wow, I felt so safe when I was abandoned when I was 14," Purpled snapped sarcastically.
"Purpled-"
If Purpled was going to be upset with Punz, he might as well dump all his trauma. It would just make Punz feel bad, anyways.
"Why didn't you ever come back?" Purpled asked quietly. "You came back for Dream. Why not me? Was I not… was I not worth coming back for?"
"It's… well, it's complicated."
"Then explain," Purpled demanded. "I at least deserve that, don't I?"
"You do," Punz said carefully.
"Then why wouldn’t you leave a note? Why wouldn’t you say anything before you left? Then why leave after six years?" Purpled asked. "Why adopt me at all?"
"Because I wanted to give you a fighting chance," Punz said. His expression didn’t change from his stupid bored look. "At first, it was because I saw myself in you, but I didn't want to leave you before I knew you could take care of yourself."
"Then why didn't you tell me, or leave me a note, or anything?" Purpled asked. "I thought you died until I heard you were active in Kinoko."
"I didn't want you to come looking for me," Punz said.
"Then it worked," Purpled said, glaring. "But you can't just decide to come back now, after everything. I'm never going to trust you again."
"I know," Punz said. "I-”
"I don't want your apology," Purpled said harshly. He doubted that’s what Punz was planning on doing anyways.
Punz didn't respond, so Purpled whipped around, leaving the room.
Sharing a room with his ex-adopted brother figure just got infinitely more awkward.
***
Puffy looked up as Purpled slammed the door shut, concern creasing her face.
“Purpled? Are you okay?”
Purpled didn’t say anything, storming past her.
“Purpled!”
The teenager didn’t turn around, ducking into the entrance room. Puffy could hear the scraping of the door opening and shutting.
“What was that?” Karl asked, poking his head out of the living room.
“Purpled,” Puffy said. “He left to go… somewhere.”
“Someone should probably follow him,” Karl said, frowning. “Just to make sure he’s not going to go make a rash decision.”
“He doesn’t trust any of us enough for us to help,” Puffy said, though she agreed. Purpled wasn’t okay enough to be left on his own for the moment, but he wanted nothing to do with any of them.
“No one has to talk to him. We just need to make sure he’s not heading into the city,” Karl said.
“That’s just going to make him paranoid and make him think that he’s not allowed to leave.” Puffy shook her head. “He can leave, just… when he has a level head.”
“Niki and I can just say we’re heading into the city,” Karl said. “We can make sure he’s not immediately heading towards the city, at least.”
Puffy sighed, but nodded. “If you’re both okay with it.”
“We’ll be fine,” Karl said. He turned down the hallway. “Niki, come on, we’re heading into the city.”
“Why?” Niki asked, stepping out of their room.
“To make Purpled think we aren’t watching him,” Karl said.
“But… we aren’t watching him?” Niki said, sounding confused.
“No, but we don’t want him to think we are,” Karl said.
“O-kay then,” Niki said. She stepped back in her room to pull on her shoes.
“What do we do if he is heading towards the city?” Karl asked.
“Come get me,” Puffy said. “I’ll try to talk to him. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than whatever he would do if he saw other people right now.”
“Aye aye, captain,” Karl joked. Niki rolled her eyes, picking up the car keys from the table as they passed.
“We’ll be back in a bit,” Niki said.
“Thank you,” Puffy said.
***
Niki looked around as Karl pulled out of the garage, relaxing when she spotted Purpled. He was sitting in the grass a few yards away from the road. He glanced up at the sound of the car, but went back to staring at the sky when he spotted them.
“Stop next to him,” Niki said.
“But Puffy said-”
“Just do it,” Niki said. Karl relented, pressing on the brakes. Niki rolled down the window. Purpled looked up at the car.
“You okay?” Niki asked. She didn’t have to pretend to not know what was going on, since Karl and Puffy hadn’t given her any details. They probably didn’t know themselves, if Niki was being honest.
“Fine,” Purpled said tersely. “You can keep going. I just needed to go outside.”
Niki frowned. She didn’t want to press too much, but she was worried about Purpled. Tommy had meant a lot to her, but he had meant so much more to Purpled, Tubbo, and Ranboo. None of the kids were okay, and none of them seemed to want to get help, either.
But that was okay, wasn’t it? Tommy had only died a few days before. They needed time to properly mourn before even starting to think about moving on.
Still, Niki wanted to offer what reassurance she could.
“You can always talk to one of us, you know,” Niki said. “Not that you need to. But if you need to talk, or just need someone to listen, we’re all here for you.”
“Right,” Purpled said, though he didn’t sound very convinced. Niki glanced at Karl, nodding. He started driving again, and Purpled went back to looking at the sky.
They couldn’t help him if he didn’t want help. They just had to wait until he opened up a little.
“Any idea where we should go?” Karl asked. “We should probably have some sort of excuse for leaving, otherwise Purpled’s gonna get suspicious. He sees a scary amount of details.”
Niki thought for a moment. She didn’t really need anything from her apartment, since Karl had grabbed her some clothes and she was going back there in a few days anyways. She didn’t know if Karl needed anything or not, but since he was asking her, she assumed not.
“I have an idea,” Niki said, a soft smile crossing her face.
***
“We’re back!” Niki called, the sound of the door shutting echoing through the room. Tubbo looked up. Ranboo had dragged him into the living room half an hour before, saying something about a change of scenery doing them some good. Tubbo didn’t particularly care, but he wasn’t going to fight about it.
“We brought someone,” Niki said, stepping into the living room. Tubbo got concerned- they didn’t know any other vigilantes who were okay to bring here. Anyone else could rat them out to the heroes. It wasn’t safe to bring anyone else here.
His concerns were quelled when he recognized the bundle of fur in Niki’s arms.
“Clementine!”
The cat squirmed out of Niki’s hold, running over to jump on Tubbo’s lap. She was purring loudly as she curled up against him.
“Hey there,” Tubbo said, running a hand over her back. He was glad they’d left her at Puffy’s clinic for the fight. He didn’t know what would’ve happened to her otherwise.
“We thought it’d be better for her to stay here instead of at the clinic,” Niki said. “Karl’s got all the cat stuff, so we already have everything sorted.”
“Thank you!” Tubbo said, grinning. It was a bit forced, but it was the best he’d felt in days.
Tommy would want him to be happy over Clementine, right? He would want Tubbo to make the cat think that everything was just fine. That was better for her, anyways, even if she was going to realize that Tommy was gone sooner or later.
Setting up everything for Clementine was a small distraction Tubbo immediately felt guilty about as soon as they were done. He hadn’t been thinking about Tommy. His best friend had just died, how could Tubbo forget so quickly?
Tommy would probably want Tubbo to forget, realistically, but that was because he was an idiot. He was an idiot and he was Tubbo’s brother and he was dead.
***
Purpled glared at the mirror.
Why was he alive? Who cared if Purpled lived? Tommy was the only person who cared about him, and Tommy was dead.
Purpled should be the one who was dead. Everyone was sad and mourning Tommy, but no one would care if Purpled had died. Maybe Tommy would be for a while, but he still had Tubbo and Ranboo and the heroes and the vigilantes. Tommy would move on eventually.
Purpled was pretty sure none of them were ever going to move on from Tommy’s death. Everyone loved him. Almost everyone Tommy met at least liked him, or at least found him endearing. Purpled had maybe two or three people who liked him, but they were dead or hated him now.
Sam must hate Purpled. He’d gotten kind of close with the hero, but Purpled switched sides in the middle of a fight. Not just any fight, but arguably the most important fight in the history of vigilantes. None of the heroes could possibly care about Purpled anymore.
He didn’t know why that hurt so much. Purpled wasn’t supposed to feel things, he’d trained himself not to, he’d forced himself to push down his emotions for years. Who cared about the heroes? It wasn’t like any of them were even dead, why should he care about them hating him?
Purpled had gotten off topic. He was selfish. He was supposed to be thinking about Tommy and how his death was all Purpled’s fault.
It really was. If Purpled had never showed up to the fight, Tommy wouldn’t have been in that position. The vigilantes were doing pretty well, they could’ve handled the heroes on their own. Purpled had only caused problems.
That was all Purpled seemed able to do, cause problems. Maybe that’s why no one ever stayed around. Because Purpled was too much of an issue for anyone to take for too long. He either drove them away, or in this case, caused their death.
Purpled should be the one dead.
***
Tubbo sighed, staring at himself in the mirror.
He had started crying less, but felt bad about it. Shouldn’t he be crying, if his best friend was dead?
Should he keep crying? Would Tommy want him to?
Did it matter what Tommy would want him to do? He was gone and Tubbo hated that.
There was nothing he could do and there should be something. He should be able to fix everything because that was his job; he was supposed to fix Tommy’s screw ups and make sure everything was fine in the end.
Things weren’t fine now. Tubbo didn’t know how to fix this.
What good was Tubbo if he couldn’t fix something? If he couldn’t build a solution? If he couldn’t make everything okay again after so much pain?
Tubbo knew he was putting too much on his own shoulders, he knew it but he couldn’t stop. How could he stop his ingrained thoughts from intruding even as much as he tried to force them down?
He turned away from the mirror, leaving the bathroom entirely. He refused to look down the hallway towards the shut door. Checking one more time couldn’t hurt, Tommy could be back, Tubbo was in denial-
Tubbo shook his head sharply, forcing himself to walk into the living room. He sat on the couch, blinking at the ground.
Distractions. He needed something to distract himself. He couldn’t think about everything if he was distracted.
Shouldn’t he be thinking about everything? Didn’t he owe Tommy that much, after failing him in every other regard?
Could Tubbo even handle thinking about Tommy for more than a couple minutes before breaking down? Should he be able to? He’d lost his best friend a few days before, shouldn’t he still be breaking down about it?
Tubbo blinked, looking down. Clementine had just jumped in his lap.
“Hey there,” Tubbo said, petting the cat. Clementine meowed at him.
“Do you need something?” Tubbo asked, scooting to sit up, but Clementine didn’t move, settling down on Tubbo’s lap.
Tubbo sighed. “You miss him too, don’t you?” Tubbo didn’t know if animals understood death. They had to, to a point, but it was hard to tell how much.
“I’m sorry,” Tubbo murmured. The cat meowed at him. Tubbo had no idea what she was trying to say. Tommy was always better at making up stupid things to translate her meows into. If Tommy was right about half of them, they had to have the most potty-mouthed cat in L’manburg.
Clementine started purring, distracting Tubbo from his thoughts.
“You should really be a therapy cat. You’d be a good one.” And now Tubbo was talking to the cat like she was a person. Sure, he usually talked to her, but not as if she could really respond. Was he losing his mind? Or was he just talking to a cat? He couldn’t tell, and he wasn’t going to be asking anyone.
Clementine stayed on Tubbo’s lap for half an hour before jumping off to curl up in Ranboo’s bed. She somehow managed to drag Tubbo with her to the room, leaving Tubbo to collapse on his own bed.
He hadn’t done anything taxing in days other than sob, but he was still bone-tired. Though if it weren’t for Clementine, he might not sleep at all.
Tommy would be glad that Clementine was safe, at least. Tubbo knew that much.
***
“Purpled? What are you doing?” Puffy asked, flicking on the light. Purpled looked up at her, eyes wide. He had dark circles and puffy eyes. It looked like he had been crying. He was holding a knife.
“Purpled, what’s wrong?” Puffy asked, trying to step closer without Purpled noticing. He didn’t react, just staring at her.
“What do you think’s wrong?” Purpled asked.
“You were just standing here in the dark,” Puffy said, taking another step closer.
“I didn’t need the lights,” Purpled said shortly.
“What are you doing?” Puffy asked. Purpled looked down at the knife in his hand.
“I don’t know.”
“Purpled-” Puffy started gently. Purpled threw the knife across the room, hitting the far wall. The knife went into the wall halfway to the hilt.
“What-”
“I’m going to bed,” Purpled said, pulling his hood up and brushing past Puffy.
“Wait,” Puffy said. Purpled paused, glancing back at her.
“What?”
“Were you going to hurt someone?” Puffy asked.
“No one that matters,” Purpled said, leaving Puffy alone in the kitchen.
She sighed, leaning against the wall. She hoped Purpled didn’t mean what she thought he meant. She considered locking up the sharp objects, but knowing Purpled, he’d get a weapon from somewhere. He always seemed to have one on him, no matter the time of day.
It made Puffy sad to think of why he thought he needed it. He was just a kid. He’d seen too much.
Puffy just hoped he wouldn’t start turning those knives on himself.
It wasn’t really all that unexpected, she supposed. She just didn’t know how to handle it when she so desperately wanted to make sure all the kids were okay but how could they be okay? They had lost Tommy, someone who was family to them, their brother. How could they be okay after losing that?
Heck, Puffy wasn’t okay either. She was pretending to be stronger than she was so the kids wouldn’t worry about her, so they would let her help them, but even that wasn’t working.
Puffy didn’t know what else to do other than give them time. They needed time to process everything, time to even think about being okay again, but time was something they had precious little of.
She was sure Ranboo’s parents had already started looking for them, and each day the vigilantes had to recover was another day the heroes had to recover. There was no way they could try to fight again- Not with everyone like this, and Puffy wasn’t letting that happen again.
She refused to lose another child.
She would find another solution for the heroes, another way to get everyone out of the trouble they’d found themselves in.
In the meantime, Puffy could keep pretending that everything was fine.
She had to.
“You okay?”
Puffy looked up, finding Punz standing in the doorway. She didn’t know a lot about the mercenary anymore. She had known him since he was little, he’d been friends with Clay for years, but he stopped visiting as much when the boys were teenagers.
She had never imagined he would become a mercenary. Then again, she never imagined that Clay would be a hero, though their situations were… different.
“I’m alright,” Puffy said, running a hand down her face. “I just don’t think Purpled is.”
“Do you want me to talk to him?”
Purpled did seem to know Punz more than the others, but Puffy hadn’t been able to tell if that was entirely in a good way or not.
Even if there was a chance it was, would Purpled listen to him?
Puffy glanced at the knife embedded in the wall on the other side of the room.
“You can try.”
***
Purpled glanced up, rolling his eyes as he saw Punz walk into the room.
“What do you want?” Purpled asked rudely.
“Puffy told me what happened,” Punz said, looking serious.
“What?” Purpled asked. “I was holding a knife? Big deal.”
“Purpled-”
“You can leave,” Purpled said.
“I’m not going to,” Punz said.
“Why?” Purpled asked, voice sharp, a challenge. “Scared I’m gonna stab myself? Not like you’d care.”
Punz looked shocked at Purpled’s outburst. To be honest, Purpled was a bit surprised himself. He didn’t really mean it, but he couldn’t deny that he’d been thinking about it.
Punz sat down against the wall across from Purpled.
“If you want to talk-”
“I’m not talking to you,” Purpled said.
“Then who would you talk to?” Punz asked.
“The only person who cares enough is dead,” Purpled said harshly. “So no one. I’ll deal with it.”
“You don’t have to deal with it,” Punz said. “We care about you, Purpled.”
“Sure,” Purpled said. “You care so much that you abandoned me.” Purpled thought he and Punz had talked it over already, but he was still angry. One conversation wasn’t going to fix years of being abandoned and left on his own.
“Purpled-”
“No,” Purpled said. “I’m not talking about this right now.”
“Then when are you going to talk about it, Purpled?” Punz asked.
“Never, preferably,” Purpled said.
“You can’t just avoid your problems forever,” Punz said.
“Oh, like you abandoned me forever,” Purpled asked sarcastically. He knew he sounded crazy, he knew he was running on too little sleep and some insanity, but he couldn’t care.
Punz sighed, rolling his eyes. “You’ve got to get over that. It was years ago.”
“I trusted you!” Purpled shouted. “You were my brother, Punz. But you threw that away! For what?”
“I-”
“That’s right, nothing!” Purpled yelled. “You left me on my own to get messed up with supervillains and mercenaries and the scum of the earth and you know what?” He looked up, purple eyes meeting the dark blue. “I became one of them. Isn’t that just what you wanted? What you trained me for? To become just like you? A murderer, a killing machine with no morals?”
“Pur-”
“Though somehow, I’m still a better person than you are,” Purpled said, throwing his hands in the air as he spun around, facing the wall. “At least I didn’t abandon my brother. Someone I promised to protect. When push came to shove, I switched sides to protect him.”
And that didn’t matter. Tommy had still died. But at least Purpled hadn’t been on the opposite side when it happened.
“I-”
“You can’t claim to care about me,” Purpled said. “You can say that Puffy cares about me, you can say that Niki and Karl care about me, and maybe they do.” In some tiny way, maybe they did. “But you don’t get to lie about that. You don’t care. You never cared, and you never will. You’re just here because- well, I don’t know why you’re here, but it’s sure as heck not because you care.”
Punz didn’t seem hurt at Purpled’s accusations, or even hurt. He barely looked affected at all, in fact. Just that same, passively bored expression that Purpled had come to hate.
“P-”
“If you’re going to make excuses for yourself, I don’t want to hear it,” Purpled snapped. “I was fourteen. You left me alone with nothing and you expect me to forgive you for that? You expect me to pretend that it never happened because you ‘care’ now?”
Punz scoffed. “I was just trying to help.”
“When were you trying to do that exactly? When you abandoned me when I was barely a teenager to fend for myself? When you lied to me about caring? When you increased the abandonment issues I already had?” Purpled listed sarcastically. “If that’s what you call your ‘help’, then I don’t want it.”
“Whatever,” Punz muttered, turning away. “Kill yourself. See if anyone cares then.”
A flash of silver metal. A knife flew through the air, cutting through Punz’s shoulder and embedding itself in the wall.
“You missed,” Punz said. His expression remained neutral, but Purpled liked to think there was a note of panic in his eyes.
“I didn’t,” Purpled said. “I never miss.” Purpled turned away. “I’ll aim differently next time. Understand?”
Punz slowly nodded.
“Great!” Purpled smiled, something a touch too sharp. “You can leave. You might want to get someone to check out that shoulder.”
Punz didn’t say anything, but he turned towards the door. Blood dripped from his shoulder, leaving a trail in his wake.
Purpled felt a little better. Then he got annoyed at himself for feeling better, because Tommy was dead and how could he feel anything? He was supposed to be numb, because that’s what was safe, that was what was supposed to be good for him.
He knew he’d been told that by liars, by villains, by mercenaries, by awful people Purpled had picked up traits from, but he couldn’t stop. You couldn’t just force yourself to stop feeling things and randomly decide to start again one day. Purpled didn’t even know where to begin.
He didn’t want to begin. That would lead to pain, and maybe the pain was deserved, because his best only friend was dead and he should be feeling pain, but he felt pain. The pain was cutting through the emotionless facade Purpled kept up and if he stopped it then he wouldn’t be able to handle it. He could barely handle it now.
Purpled shook his head. It was better to ignore everything.
***
Karl should have seen this coming.
He knew everyone else was blaming themselves. That was just who they were. But if anyone could blame themself here, it was Karl.
He should’ve pushed his powers harder, looked further. Maybe if he had seen this was the outcome of Doomsday, they could’ve called the whole thing off. They could’ve done something differently.
A part of him knew that was wrong. Things never turned out right when he tried to change big events. They always ended up happening, usually worse than how they originally would’ve gone.
Maybe if Karl had intervened, someone else would’ve died too. Maybe no one would’ve died, but they all would’ve been in Pandora’s.
Karl knew better than anyone that worrying about the past didn't help anyone. He knew that there was no changing what had happened.
He desperately wished there was. His powers were time manipulation, shouldn’t that work both ways? Shouldn’t he have been able to stop this?
Wishing about it wouldn’t do anything, but how Karl wished (ha) it did. Maybe if wishing on a shooting star were real, the world would be a better place.
Though he was sure someone would ruin it for everyone else. They would wish for something awful, or for the wishing to stop, or something. Humans were like that. Constantly trying to ruin a good thing they never realized they had. And sometimes, they realized exactly what they had, and chose to ruin it anyways.
People ruined everything. It was almost enough to make someone want to run off into the woods and live on their own, figure out things without the bother of others.
“Hey Karl, you okay?”
Karl glanced up. He hadn’t noticed Puffy entering the room.
“Yeah, I’m alright,” Karl said. “Just… thinking, you know.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Puffy asked, sitting down on the chair at the desk.
“It’s nothing important, just… people,” Karl said, shrugging.
Puffy smiled sadly. “People. The greatest mystery of the universe. You never know what someone else is thinking; you can guess, sure, but you’ll never know unless they tell you.”
Karl shifted, pulling his feet up on the bed so he could better face Puffy. “Don’t they make you want to leave sometimes?”
A flash of panic crossed Puffy’s face. “Karl, what-”
“Just running off into the wilderness,” Karl said quickly, shaking his hands. “Not die.”
“Oh.” Puffy relaxed slightly. “Sorry, I think I’m just on edge with Purpled…”
“What’s going on with Purpled?” Karl asked, tilting his head.
Puffy sighed. “Long story. I can tell you later. What were you saying about the wilderness?”
“People make you want to leave sometimes, don’t they?” Karl asked, accepting the correction of conversation.
“Sometimes they do,” Puffy said. “It’s hard to deal with them sometimes. But… it’s worth it, don’t you think?”
“How?” Karl asked. “It only seems to bring pain when they die and when some are idiots and ruin every good thing there is.”
“It’s painful when people we love die,” Puffy agreed. “But it’s painful because we were happy. Because we cared about the person. Because they mattered to us enough to hurt when they’re gone. Doesn’t that make it worth it?”
Karl was silent for a long moment.
“I guess it does.”
“And what about the kids you see playing on your patrols? What about the people who come to you for help in the library? What about the civilians you protect each night with Niki? What about your family, found and born?” Puffy continued. “Don’t they make it worth it? Don’t they outweigh the idiots and pain and things that get ruined? Isn’t there more good than bad?”
“It can be harder to see the good,” Karl muttered. The bad was loud and screaming, the good was quiet and soft. It was hard to focus on the good when the bad fought so hard for attention.
“And that’s what makes it worth it,” Puffy said. “If everything was good, we’d never know how good we had it, would we?”
“It doesn’t make the pain hurt less, though,” Karl said.
“It doesn’t,” Puffy said. “It’s always going to hurt.”
“I don’t want it to hurt,” Karl said. He knew he sounded childish. He’d lost people before. It shouldn’t hurt this much. He shouldn’t be complaining so much.
“Is the pain enough for you to wish it never happened?” Puffy asked.
Karl thought about it for a second. The honest answer was ‘no’, but he didn’t want to admit he wanted the pain either.
But no one wanted pain, did they? It was just something they signed up for when they got to know people. When they made friends, when strangers became something more. They didn’t know the potential pain they were opening themselves up to, most of the time.
They didn’t think about the pain because the joy was better than the pain. What use was it worrying about losing someone when you had them right next to you?
“It’s not,” Karl finally answered.
“And that fact isn’t going to make it hurt less,” Puffy said. Her sad smile grew a little bit brighter. “Maybe it’s enough to convince you to not run off into the wilderness, though.”
Karl couldn’t help but grin. “I don’t think I’d be able to hide from Niki for very long.”
“I don’t think so either,” Puffy said. They sat in silence for a few minutes, but it was a comfortable silence.
“Thanks,” Karl eventually said.
“Anytime.”
***
Purpled watched Niki and Karl from a chair at the table as they left, heading back into work. They had to pretend that everything was normal to avoid suspicion.
He’d had no idea that either of them were vigilantes. He didn’t know how he’d missed it, either. He talked to Niki fairly often. Karl, not as much, but he’d seen the librarian enough times when he was visiting the library.
He had never noticed either of them. He had never noticed Tommy or Tubbo or Ranboo. He’d seen they were lying, sure, but he’d never seen the truth.
It had to be an issue with him. There was no way they were all just that good at lying. Purpled just wasn’t as good at reading people than he thought he was.
A small part of Purpled almost felt hurt. They’d all known each other were vigilantes. But the more reasonable part of Purpled understood that it would’ve been extremely idiotic to tell him anything. He was hired to arrest TChaos, why would Tommy confide in him about being a vigilante?
Purpled didn’t have the right to feel hurt about that. He shouldn’t be feeling anything at all, really. That was for the best.
He had thought Tommy was a mercenary or working for a villain group or something, but he never imagined Tommy would be a vigilante. Looking back on it, it made a lot of sense. Tommy was the kind of person who would do something selfless like that.
Purpled stood up, black spots appearing in his vision for a moment. His vision spun and he was dizzy. By the time the dots disappeared, Purpled was in a bed and his head was throbbing.
Purpled moved to sit up, but someone put hands on his shoulders, pushing him back down. Purpled reacted on instinct, pushing the arms away and kicking their legs out from under them while standing up in one move.
“Oh crap, sorry Puffy,” Purpled said, eyes widening as he recognized the figure on the ground. His vision was still swimming, but he could stand. “I didn’t realize it was you.”
“It’s fine,” Puffy said, brushing her clothes off.
“What happened?” Purpled said, glancing around. “When did I come in here?”
“You passed out in the kitchen,” Puffy said, getting to her feet.
“What?” Purpled asked. He didn’t remember passing out. Had he been fighting someone? Who would he be fighting in here?
“You just stood up from the table and collapsed,” Puffy said. “We moved you into here so you could sleep. I was worried you had a concussion or something.”
“I’m fine,” Purpled said, even though he didn’t entirely feel fine. Why had he just passed out from standing up? He’d gone longer than this without sleeping. He didn’t know what the problem was.
“No you aren’t,” Puffy said firmly. “When was the last time you slept?”
“Last night,” Purpled said truthfully.
“For how long?”
“... Maybe an hour,” Purpled muttered, glancing away.
“Why?” Puffy asked. She sounded so concerned, so genuine, Purpled almost wanted to believe her.
“I don’t need to sleep. I’m fine on my own,” Purpled said. Why did he need to sleep?
“You can’t just keep going like this,” Puffy said. “It isn’t healthy, it isn’t good for you. You’ve got to take care of yourself, or you’re going to get sick.”
“I don’t care!” Purpled shouted, emotions changing like a switch. “I don’t matter anyways. The only person who ever cared about me is dead! Why should I do anything to take care of myself? I don’t care anymore!”
“Purpled…” Puffy sounded sad. It didn’t make Purpled regret his tone. “We care about you, too.”
“No you don’t,” Purpled said. “Most of you barely know me, and Tubbo and Ranboo hate me.”
“What about Punz?” Puffy asked. Purpled’s gaze hardened.
“I hate Punz,” Purpled said. He meant it, too. He was never going to get over anything the older mercenary had done to him.
“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?” Puffy asked. “Because you didn’t want to be in here?” She gestured vaguely at the room Purpled was supposed to be sharing with Punz.
“Kind of,” Purpled muttered. He didn’t know why he was being so honest with her. It would be so easy to lie. “Like I said, it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Purpled, you matter,” Puffy said seriously. “Your worth isn’t dependent on one person.”
“I know,” Purpled lied. “I’m just… I’m going to go outside.”
“Hang on, when was the last time you ate?” Puffy asked.
“I had a granola bar yesterday,” Purpled said.
“You have to eat before you leave,” Puffy said. Purpled wanted to protest, tell her that he wasn’t hungry and didn’t need to eat, but could tell from the look in her eyes that it wasn’t worth it to fight her.
“Fine,” Purpled said.
